Impressing is your job, expressing is mine.

With my fallible understanding of Telugu, and my infallible understanding of Telugu slang, I heard today the most interesting explanation of the origin of AIDS- from a sixty year old man.

I was on my way to another of our brainstorming and lung-burning sessions at the hookah shop, travelling by good old 25S, footboarding when:

I heard a senior citizen on the last seat speaking bad words.

Now I like old peopel who swear, I think they're KOOL! I think the Koolest peopel are old women who swear. This one was a man, but just to live up to it, his gaalis were of the top order (Lanjakoduka, !@#@#$$#... etc).
I was impressed.

I don't know what he was talking about, till the guy beside him got up and gave me the golden opportunity to sit beside him. I sat there- with this old man (our hero) on the right and another young guy (around yours n my age), who was his object of oral homicide, on the left- window seat.

By the time I sat, Uncle Bad Words (henceforth referred to as UBW) was talking about hospitals, giving his frank opinion that hospitals like Apollo, NIMS etc were only for the upper class, and not accessible to the grassroots.
Then he started on the issue of how rich peopel were so sickly- always falling sick, crying for the slightest headache etc.

And then he said it- AIDS also, it happens to the upper class vaalu, not to the middle and lower class.

I disagree, I thought. A large portion of PLHAs (People living with HIV/AIDS) are from rural Coastal Andhra, slums, brothels etc- the lowest levels of Indian economy, said my Brain.

Shut up! said my heart. You don't stand a chance debating this guy. Don't act like Mr. Know-it-all, don't ruin the fun.

"Adi enti? Kukka toti samparkam?" (What's that? Intercourse with dogs?), he continued, appparently some fancy orgy tale he had heard.
"Upperclass pillalu ki assallo intilo evar ledu, mummy daddy pani ki pote lonely ga huntadu."
(Upperclass kids have no one at home, mom-dad go to work, so they get lonely)

Just an interruption. Intercourse with dogs isn't something new. When I was interviewing a Nurse Practitioner at an ICTC in East Godavari this summer, she had told that the strangest case she had come across was of a girl from Rajahmundry who had sex with an "Alsatian dog".

For UBW (Uncle Bad Words)'s kind info, this girl wasn't really a millionaire's daughter.
So much for rich kids being alone at home.

(An alsatian's a dog, undoubtedly, you noticed how we say German Shepherd Dog, but not alsatian dog?
That's coz a German Shepherd could be a shepherd also but an Alsatian can't be anything but a dog. WTF? I'm in the mood for PJs)

Comin back to Uncle Bad Words, he continued: (We were at how rich kids are alone at home)
"Vaalu ki Bore kottadi, aithe Kukkalu ki "Caam, daarling, sweetheart, caam, caam ... (in the most sarcastic of voices and broken english)..let me give you kiss...umm... koncham sep tarvaata, F*****g, F*****g with chinna doggy"

I was laughing like a hyena inside, smiling and nodding my head outside. The guy on ma left was wondering if he should jump out the window coz UBW was talking so loud everyone could hear us, including the lady conductor.

And then UBW leans towards us (in the context of Rich kids screwing dogs) drops his tone, pulls up his bass, and lets out to us the biggest secret in the history of medical science:

"Assalga...(pause)... AIDS ee kukkalu nunchi wachindi"
[Actually, AIDS originated from these dogs]


WHATTTTT?

Reaction:
1/10 seond it took me to actually realize what I had heard.
For a second, I was speechless, trying to digest that.

You'd think I dismissed itas rubbish or burst out laughing.

I swear, on you, (n u still alive which means I'm not lying) for three seconds I actually tried to rationalize what he said: could it be true?

And then, I burst out laughing. The guy on my left took an equally long time to react, we were both hysterically laughing our heads and asses off.

Uncle Bad Words was least bothered.. he continued about how middle class children were scared of their parents and would not make out, while rich kids could do whatever they wanted, and how Faith and Respect (apparently Middle Class Values, which are apparently demonstrated by not making out) for parents could save you from AIDS.........

He finally, and thankfully, got down at Lal Bazaar, the Lady Conductor gave us the strangest look in the history of looks, as if we were his partners in crime. We left the bus as soon as we could....

So much for AIDS awareness, maybe now the Govt should lift the self-imposed ban on sex education in schools....